Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Release Me

I feel bad I've been so quiet lately. It's been hard to want to sit down and write anything. With nothing really happening in my job search, I have little motivation to share no-news, and even less desire to bitch and moan over my predicament. Not much else seems to matter except where the next buck is going to come from for the mortgage payment, or trying to stay focused on interviews and keeping new applications going out. Granted, I've had several good triggers to write about over the past month with the holidays and all, but with kids home from BYU for two weeks, I was cautious to be too involved or open with the family computer, so I basically ignored the urge to blog. I hope everyone had warm holidays and I wish us all an even better new year.

But this last Sunday things unexpectedly changed, and now I've got another reason to write. No, I don't have a new job, I'm not moving, but the sky fell for me a little bit. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. I told my Bishop a while back that he should start looking for my replacement in the Young Men President calling I've held for the last couple years. Yet I was unprepared emotionally for being released, especially with the justification that he was inspired to call someone else. (So you mean, the Lord doesn't want me to do this any more?) Well actually, I know his intentions were to relieve pressure on me for decisions ahead, but I'll miss the leadership opportunities. However, I'll stay on as an advisor to the Priest's Quorum. So I was a little surprised at myself, that I had such a hard time during Sacrament meeting, getting all choked up through most the hymns. My feelings were right there on the surface, and my wife just squeezed my hand and somehow we mumbled the words together in a mixture of gratitude and pain. I don't want to go. I don't want to lose my boys, these wonderful young men I've grown to love, as they grow up and prepare for missions and life ahead. Even though this is just a baby step of separation, I know it's coming and it's really tough.

I had prepared a lesson, which I also managed to deliver 'raw' on emotion. Basically, I was calling them out for not listening to my lesson two weeks ago, for taking the scriptures for granted, and just sliding by with their faith. It needed to be said, whether or not I was leaving. I dramatically read them the entire chapter of 2 Nephi 32, exhorting them to pray always and seek the spirit. You should read this out loud to yourself sometime; it is powerful. They will probably go a long while before they have another priesthood lesson as tearful or impassioned! And all this was in front of the new YM Pres! Can I show my face ever again? Yeah, I guess so. The young men were quiet and much more in tune to what I was saying this week; I hope they felt the same spirit I was feeling and trying so hard to show them. I thank God for including the young men in my journey at this time in my life. He is wise beyond words, and He has been there for me in my reaching.

6 comments:

One of So Many said...

Fell free to bitch and moan over your predicament. I think it's all I do any more.

It's hard to be released from a calling you love...I assume...I haven't had one of those yet.

I'm sure the job will come in time. Patience sucks when you feel one step away from homelessness.

Ron Schow said...

Sorry to hear about the loss of your calling. If you have the time, please send some email, I have a question for you.

ptn15@aol.com

J G-W said...

Thanks for sharing. I'm grateful to hear from you, even though I wish things were better for you right now.

I've wanted to post more lately too, but I've been too darn busy. But I value this on-line community.

Still keeping you and your family in my prayers.

uncle arthur said...

I think its amazing you were allowed to serve in YM.!!When I was re-baptized,I was told that I would never be allowed to accept callings with young people due to my SGA status.Australians have a lot of catching up to do!!Please let us know when/if you are called next?!

Beck said...

Callings are amazing things. They help me to be a better person and to reach out and find the better within me. After seven years as YM pres, I cried my eyes out when they finally released me. It had become my life. That's a good thing. For you to feel these feelings of passion signal that it is a good thing for you as well.

Don't forget these feelings! Treasure them and don't be afraid to express them.

My heart goes out to you...

Adam said...

Geckoman,

So sorry to hear you are still out of a full-time job. Hang on to that amazing perspective you have been blessed with.

It will all work out. I know you already know that, but maybe it doesn't hurt to have your friends echo your faith.

Just hold on... the light will come.