Monday, November 19, 2007

"Do you need me?"

Last week I had a great time interviewing with four different companies, and not much time for anything else. The trip to Denver was fantastic; I came home so excited with the possibility of working for this company. Then I had another great phone conversation with a major company who wants to fly me to their headquarters to be considered for an innovation team they are forming. That would be neat, too!

However, all the while, my wife is beginning to worry about the reality of leaving Arizona and the new dimensions that will surround our lives. We are now 'empty-nesters,' and the rules are changing about what to take with us and what to leave behind. I think my wife is wondering where she fits into the wagon of my future. We have an open, mutually supportive marriage. But lately, my wife has been experiencing anxiety around the theme of "Do you need me?"

This has given me some cause to consider just what it is that I value the most. I could honestly say "No, not really," but that fits only a small part of my feelings. Pragmatically, I may not "need" her; nor could I deny that at times I wish I had a man partner to connect with. But this doesn't jive with the tremendous respect I have for her as a wonderful person who I love dearly, who others love dearly. She, along with me, has paid her dues in our family and relationship. I don't want to imagine life without her, the simple friendship and intimacies we share.

True love isn't based on need, it is based on choice, deep feeling and abiding commitment. My true love is spiritual and reflects the relationship I have with God. My attractions to same gender are based on hunger for intimate understanding and connection. The same goes for heterosexual attractions by my spouse, brothers and sisters, every human being. Connection is a need, but it is not necessarily love. True love goes beyond need to devotion. My true love helps me realize this.

"No Sweetie, I will not leave you behind in the desert. I love you because I simply do."


J G-W said...

That's an interesting way to think about love, and it makes me all tingly inside to think of love as a choice we affirm every moment of our lives. Certainly I know many heartbreaking cases of individuals who have "fallen out of love," so that certainly suggests that by virtue of not continually choosing love, we eventually choose its opposite (indifference).

This also seems to me to fit with my concept of how Deity orders the Universe, based on the insights of D&C section 121 -- this notion that if we order our lives by the principles of true love, our dominion comes to us "without compulsory means" (vs. 46).

At the same time, I am aware of how, in my relationship with Göran we have become interconnected and interwoven over the years. This interweaving has certainly been a choice which we have reaffirmed daily in countless ways. And it has come to a point where I now feel as if his absence would make me somehow terribly incomplete. So do I need him? I don't know. But would I be me without him? No.

Beck said...

Thanks for these thoughts. I, too, need my wife. In some regards, our relationship is not perfect, but we have become "one" in many senses and the disconnects are made up with the connections. Like JGW stated we have become interwoven. It helps that we are so similar and are a team in this together.

In a different sense, we "need" you Gecko in this community and I'm personally grateful for your example.

GeckoMan said...

This desire for intimacy and connection, which we all feel so keenly, I think is a God-given trait, regardless of our orientation.

I agree with you both that with time our lives with those we choose to love becomes 'interwoven' with them. To cut them out of our cloth would leave great and ugly holes. The fabric of our lives is a soft sculpture of many textures, colors and weaves. We can look to the recurring patterns of truth that the significant people in our lives lay down, and these influence our form and function. Without them we would still be cloth, but of a different design or warp.

One of So Many said...

I wanted to wish you good luck on your job hunting. At least you are getting interviews.

Samantha said...

I read this with interest, because as I confront the demons of my past and try to understand how to live with their reality, my need for Darrin has waned significantly. Part of this is because I'm regaining parts of myself that I had lost. Part of it is because I'm understanding that my worth is not based on my connection with him. Part of it is his amazing understanding that as I learn and grow and become more independent, I become a better person, and he loves me enough to allow me to do so.

The flip side of this is that as my need for him decreases, my desire to have him in my life forever increases. I want him to stay, not because I can't imagine life without him, but because I don't want to imagine life without him. For me this is something entirely new and absolutely beautiful.

GeckoMan said...

One, thanks for your note of of support. This next week I hope to get some call-backs and offers. Trying to stay patient and optimistic is the hardest aspect of this unemployment ordeal.

Sam, thanks for visiting my blog, and leaving such good words of wisdom. I think this aspect of freedom to act when tied to true love is the role model of our heavenly parents. I'm glad you are discovering it for your own family as well.