"There is joy in creation."

I've been away for a while, but I haven't lost the need to write and put my stake in the sand. I'm very pre-occupied with my new job and all it entails, so it is hard to carve away time for blogging, but I'm determined to get back into Bobbing Gecko. The other day I went back and reread some of my entries from last year, and it was truly good to hear myself thinking, so with this post I hope to continue my dialogue with myself and those who like to check in. . .

Last Sunday at church, a brother in my HP Group described a sacred event that happened to him. His testimony has resurfaced on my mind several times this week, as I have reflected upon it and the events of the last few weeks in my own life. The priesthood lesson was on prayer, and as the discussion coursed through gratitude and then on to guidance from the spirit, this older brother raised his hand and asked to share. He went on with his story: while on his mission as a young man, he was very troubled by the constant rejection he was experiencing, and so was pouring out his soul to the Lord, questioning why life was the way it was. Why wouldn't people just listen? How come there was so much strife and discord in the world? As he was praying, he felt as if he was being carried away, removed from the surface of the Earth, to view the world from the vantage point of space. How beautiful our world was! He then saw our planet diminish in the distance as the universe expanded to his view. Then he heard a mild voice that simply said, "There is joy in creation." This closed his vision, and he found himself back in his bed, to ponder on what he had been told. His vision of creation has guided and tempered him throughout his life.

Lately I have been busy creating many new flavors of ice cream for my employer. It has been stressful to get multiple tasks accomplished, lots of different components designed and figured out for cost, label information, etc., all by a deadline. I've been working long days, and yet in a word, I've been having the time of my life! Yes, some people actually get paid for inventing ice cream. I'm one of the lucky ones, and no, you can't have my job! Anyway, last week as I was making samples of new ice cream flavors in my lab, it was late at night, I was exhausted, and yet I started feeling such gratitude to my Heavenly Father for just being there and being able to do what I was doing. You see, I know what it is like to be stifled at work, to be bored at work, and to be unemployed. I started to weep for the simple joy of my creations, right there all by myself in my little upstairs lab at the dairy. It's not a fancy place, I have no team of people to manage, just a little ice cream mix and a batch freezer, bottles of exotic flavors, a little chocolate, a little caramel, some fruit preps, and my imagination. And it is wonderful.

This last Monday I took the samples of my creations, ten new flavors in all, to 'Show & Tell' with the owners and the Sales Team. Typically they launch 4 new flavors a year; it was going to be hard to see which ones they'd cut. Everyone was excited to see what I might come up with, since this was my first product presentation for the team. They loved the first flavor, a trio of sour sorbets patterned after Jolly Rancher profiles. And they loved the next, a northwest berry trio, and the next, a cherry cordial, and the next, a peanut butter ice cream with caramel and chocolate covered peanuts. Sample after sample they raved and couldn't get enough. They even liked the Orange and Licorice combo. By the end of the show they applauded, and everyone was full of ice cream and smiles from ear to ear. Then came the concensus discussion for what flavors to launch, which ones to hold back. It became evident they wanted them all; they ended up approving eight new flavors, and discontinuing six existing flavors in the line to make room for the newcomers. Now I've got twice as much work to get all these new flavors set up for production, but I'm happy.

And so I come back to this idea of having joy in creation. Whatever we do, we can take great satisfaction in what we do, even if it's splitting wood, as one brother contributed in the HP lesson. How true. We are also the creator of ourselves, day by day. With honesty and the gifts of the spirit in our lives, Heavenly Father is able to show us our potential, whatever that may be. Joy in creation is not gender or orientation conscious. It operates in great diversity. It is the work of our Creator.

There is a God

Much has happened in my life since I last wrote in my blog, almost six months ago. Things got worse before they got better, and I simply did not want to whine about my lot in life, so I shut down my blogging. I had a number of job interviews, I flew all over the country, then one after another they dissolved without any offers. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I attract the kind of employer I desired? I was getting desperate and would have taken anything, but nothing came. It was time to learn even more humility. I needed to let go of my past failures in corporate America and the frustrations that were eating me up--it took some more time and reflection.


Over the Memorial Day weekend I went with friends on a 3 day camping trip to Havasupai, down inside the Grand Canyon. This is a magical place of living waters. It requires a 12 mile hike in and out, but it can be savored along the way, and I had a marvelous time. The aquamarine water is clear and brisk, springing from a deep underground aquifer that leaks out the canyon wall and flows down in pools and waterfalls on its way to the Colorado river. It was a time to get away from it all, to be with dear friends and feel close to my Heavenly Father. While I was there I felt like everything was going to work out and be okay; despite my fears, I just needed to continue to have faith in the Lord.


The hike out the canyon was the most daunting part of the trip. We elected to begin in the late afternoon, once the shadows were in the canyon, and hoped to be out by dark. The radiant golden light of the western sun lit up the high layers of white sandstone, casting warm light below that was soaked up by the red and ochre tones of the stone layers around me. I thought of hymns and hummed the melodies as I marched up the dry creek bed towards the waiting switchbacks that rise steeply up the canyon wall at the trailhead. It wasn't going to be fun, but there was no other way out. After two thirds of the way my feet began to hurt with hotspots, I had used up most of my water, and everyone else I was hiking out with were way ahead of me. I didn't like the idea of being the old slow poke and making others wait for me, but I was doing my best and that was all I could do.


After hiking about ten miles, with the two most difficult miles yet to go at the shoulder of the rim, I paused to rest. I prayed to my Heavenly Father for help--I needed Him to lift me up and give me confidence that I could do this. . . before the darkness settled in! I started up the switchbacks and felt as though charged with new energy and joy for being there, even though it was tough and challenging. I paused at every other switchback and waited a minute to catch my breath and for my heart rate to slow down, enjoying the view and splendor of the last rays of sunlight. When I was almost to the top, the sun made its final glint of glory before dipping below the far rim of the canyon. At that moment, I raised both my hands up in the air, feeling such gratitude for the blessing of being there. And since I was all by myself, I felt inspired to proclaim out loud to the rocks below me: "There is a God!" After looking at the expanse of space and sky beyond me, I felt again to repeat and magnify the thought: "There is a God in the Heavens!!" But I could not stop the prompting of the Spirit speaking to my mind, so again I spoke out loud: "There is a God in the Heavens who loves me!!!" Then I knew what I wanted to say next, without any prompting, "There is a God in the Heavens who loves me, and I love Him."

I reached the top feeling great, so alive and thankful for making it, and my son-in-law was cheering me on for the last few hundred steps. Surely there is analogy here with our mortal journey, is there not?

When I returned home from Havasupai I had an email waiting for me from a man I've known for years, asking if I were still available for employment. This person owns a food company in Oregon, and he was hoping I might be interested in his company. I flew out the next week for a job interview, and what he really wanted to know about me was where I saw my life's priorities and values, a personal question that almost blew me away. I responded frankly--my family, my career, my faith. I have since joined his company, and I am responsible for new product innovation, which is just exactly what I want to do. My new home is now in Oregon, which actually is my old home, since I was born and raised in Oregon and left 30 years ago... so this is a home-coming that goes beyond my longing hopes to a dream come true. I am simply thrilled with the new job, and credit my 8 month ordeal to the Lord's knowledge of where I could end up and holding out for me when I might have caved in.

Truly, there is a God in the Heavens who loves me, and I love him.

P.S. Just in case you're wondering, the Gecko will always remain a part of me and this blog. Anyways, I don't particularly want to morph into a salamander or a banana slug, even if they are more prevalent here in the great Pacific Northwest.

Accessories

Recently, John G-W posted his feelings upon having his laptop stolen at a bus station: "I have lived into the awareness that, as important a possession as it was to me, it was, like all possessions, still just an accessory."

This statement brought a flood of recognition to me, because over the last 4 months I have learned the reality of 'doing without.' I had become comfortably accustomed to the privileged life of adequate compensation, and based so much of my consumption of material goods on wants rather than needs. It is surprising how little you can actually get by on when cold hard reality slaps you in the face. When you no longer have income flowing in, you are forced into a scarcity mentality that is much more critical about what needs and wants really are. Literally, the buck stops here.

It has been pretty humbling to accept that we could not get through this alone, that we were not financially prepared or self-sufficient enough to handle this ongoing crisis of unemployment in meeting our living expenses. We never anticipated it would take this long for companies to make a hiring decision, because in the past we had moved from one company to another with relative ease. We quickly used up the meager severance and our savings in a couple month's mortgage payments, and then thanks to my wife's sister and my brother, were able to cover another couple month's mortgage payments and winter semester tuition for a daughter. And yes, we've been living on our food storage, but so much more is required. Unemployment benefits only pay out about 20% of our previous take-home pay. The loving concern and generosity of our Bishop has relieved us from so much stress and worry. Church welfare has helped with the utility companies and provided fresh food for our table, and we have been able to volunteer in a couple different venues to give back ourselves.

At Christmas we received several anonymous notes on the door with money and gift cards to the local supermarket. We learned more than how good it is to give--we learned how to receive. We had a poignant and grateful celebration of the poor baby born in a stable--mostly with good food, a few small gifts and most importantly, each other to hold on to while singing the carols and bearing our love and testimony one to another.

We approached this month of February and another $2000 mortgage payment with no idea what to do next. Our Bishop said not to worry. How could we possibly take any more from the sacred funds of the saint's welfare offerings? We cried and contemplated about what to do next. We've tried for the last couple months to sell a car, but with little response. This month we began praying in real earnest for help. And I just kept lowering the car's price by $200 every few days until it was a real deal. So Thursday I signed over the title of my little red car named "Ruby" to a very nice woman named Deepika. She and five other foreign nationals from India are on a teaching assignment in a local high school because of a shortage of math and science teachers in the USA. Deepika has a PhD in Science and has been a principal of a school in India. Her colleagues are also well educated, bright, gentle and engaging. Again I was reminded of how much I actually have, as we walked into their rented house with only two mismatched office chairs in the entire first floor. They spoke of missing their families back home in India and how different the culture is here in America and how difficult it is teaching teenagers with no desire to learn in a vacuum of classroom discipline. I realized how meager they had it, to be separated from so much with only a few other people struggling together for mutual support. I humbly felt gratitude for my many blessings of family, friends and church that cements my life together in all the right and familiar ways.

Yesterday morning I went to the Mesa Temple, to thank the Lord for my many blessings and to petition for guidance in the interviews ahead. Tomorrow I leave for an interview in New Hampshire. There are developing opportunities in Pennsylvania and California. As I sat pondering in the Celestial Room, with eastern light streaming in through the tall windows of the beautiful room, I received a calm assurance not to worry, that all would be well and that I should choose a job that would best deliver on what I wanted to accomplish in the remainder of my career. I reached for a copy of the Bible, and it opened to Joshua 24, where the prophet exhorts,

"And I have given you a land for which ye did not labour, and cities which ye built not, and ye dwell in them; of the vineyards and oliveyards which ye planted not do ye eat. Now therefore fear the Lord, and serve him in sincerity and in truth: and put away the gods which your fathers served on the other side of the flood, and in Egypt; and serve ye the Lord."

I confess that I have served the gods of 'Accessories' more than I previously cared to admit. How much do we really need, after it is all said and done, and our excess is truly stripped away? What is really important? It is our family, our faith, our determination to do what is right. The Lord has demonstrated this to me in the past few months. I feel as though I have gained a wisdom that would not have come in any other way. When we move, it will have to be to a more spartan lifestyle. We cannot sell our home at present because we are $30,000 upside down on the value of it, so we're leaving it for our married children to live in while they finish a graduate degree at ASU for another 18 months. Hopefully the housing market will recover and we can recoup our equity at that time. We will need to move into a low cost rented apartment to manage our combined housing expense, and we'll leave most of our belongings in the Arizona house. But it's only stuff, just accessories, that we leave behind. We carry with us larger hearts, full of desire to give back to our God whom we know is aware of all the earth and blesses those who love Him.

Back in the celestial room of the temple, I witnessed even more. I sat in a plush chair, surrounded by fine things drenched in chandelier light, and watched the beautiful people dressed in white move in their family groups to hug one another, smile with joy and rejoice in being in the Lord's house. There were a couple young men with a pink tags pinned to white shirts embracing proud parents wiping tears from their eyes. There was a lovely young bride to be with an earnest young man at her side and family clustered all around, waiting for their sealing session to begin. I myself had felt the warmth as proxy for my great great great grandfather, William Bowie, whose grandson and my great grandfather, John Bowie Ferguson, immigrated from Scotland to the new frontier of Nebraska territory in the 1870's. These men I am confident to meet someday. They are not accessories to my life; they are part of my life.

I reached again to the Bible on my lap and felt the Spirit's prompting to turn to Proverbs. Which chapter? Eight. So I opened to the chapter eight and began to read:

"Unto you, O men, I call; and my voice is to the sons of man. O ye simple, understand wisdom: and ye fools, be ye of an understanding heart. Hear, for I will speak of excellent things; and the opening of my lips shall be right things. For my mouth shall speak truth; and wickedness is an abomination to my lips. All the words of my mouth are in righteousness; there is nothing froward or perverse in them. They are all plain to him that understandeth, and right to them that find knowledge. Receive my instruction, and not silver; and knowledge rather than choice gold. For wisdom is better than rubies; and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared to it."

I will miss my little car, Ruby. But the transaction has been for the sake of wisdom, and I feel the Lord has spoken to me in astonishingly clear terms. He has granted me an understanding heart. I hope to always retain the wisdom of these months of struggle. I have been led through my barren wilderness of sorting through the accessories of life to realize more deeply that which is beyond price: my loving wife and loving children, who in turn love what is right and are striving to be their best. It is not the car, the furniture, the house, the whatever. I love this church, the safety net it has been to my soul and family. And I love the Lord, for I know he first loved me.

Goodbye, Pres. Hinckley

I will miss you Pres. Hinckley, for all your wonderful words and inspiring leadership, your warm and familiar humor. How can I thank you for such a life of devoted service? Only by expressing in some public way my love and gratitude for your life so well lived. I am confident you are now with your beloved companion, and I hope you feel satisfied by all your mortal contributions.

Pres. Hinckley, I can't think of another filling the void that now exists by your parting, but I know each church president finds a niche and the Lord works with those individual talents and sensitivities. The Lord will bring about his work, and as you have said, we all have a part in it, large or small, if we so desire.

Pres. Hinckley, I will return often to your writings, to find inspiration to 'Stand a little taller' and 'be a little better', day by day. I will try and recall in moments of temptation your clarion call to shun pornography and all that is debasing of the human spirit. I will follow your example of focusing on the positive and reaching out to others, as the best way of overcoming my own weaknesses.

Pres. Hinckley, thank you for your unfailing testimony. I shall always fondly think of you whenever I sing your hymn text (#135):

I know that my Redeemer lives,
Triumphant Savior, Son of God,
Victorious over pain and death,
My King, my Leader, and my Lord.

He lives, my one sure rock of faith,
The one bright hope of men on earth,
The beacon to a better way,
The light beyond the veil of death.

Oh, give me thy sweet Spirit still,
The peace that comes alone from thee,
The faith to walk the lonely road
That leads to thine eternity.

And Pres. Hinckley, may I add a fourth verse, just for you?

You dear, dear man for whom we'll miss,
The loving words and gentle smile,
'Go forth with faith,' to eternal bliss--
Our parting's but a little while.


God bless us all to 'Stand For Something.'
Thank you, Pres. Hinckley for showing me the good way.

Your friend and brother,
Gecko

Release Me

I feel bad I've been so quiet lately. It's been hard to want to sit down and write anything. With nothing really happening in my job search, I have little motivation to share no-news, and even less desire to bitch and moan over my predicament. Not much else seems to matter except where the next buck is going to come from for the mortgage payment, or trying to stay focused on interviews and keeping new applications going out. Granted, I've had several good triggers to write about over the past month with the holidays and all, but with kids home from BYU for two weeks, I was cautious to be too involved or open with the family computer, so I basically ignored the urge to blog. I hope everyone had warm holidays and I wish us all an even better new year.

But this last Sunday things unexpectedly changed, and now I've got another reason to write. No, I don't have a new job, I'm not moving, but the sky fell for me a little bit. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. I told my Bishop a while back that he should start looking for my replacement in the Young Men President calling I've held for the last couple years. Yet I was unprepared emotionally for being released, especially with the justification that he was inspired to call someone else. (So you mean, the Lord doesn't want me to do this any more?) Well actually, I know his intentions were to relieve pressure on me for decisions ahead, but I'll miss the leadership opportunities. However, I'll stay on as an advisor to the Priest's Quorum. So I was a little surprised at myself, that I had such a hard time during Sacrament meeting, getting all choked up through most the hymns. My feelings were right there on the surface, and my wife just squeezed my hand and somehow we mumbled the words together in a mixture of gratitude and pain. I don't want to go. I don't want to lose my boys, these wonderful young men I've grown to love, as they grow up and prepare for missions and life ahead. Even though this is just a baby step of separation, I know it's coming and it's really tough.

I had prepared a lesson, which I also managed to deliver 'raw' on emotion. Basically, I was calling them out for not listening to my lesson two weeks ago, for taking the scriptures for granted, and just sliding by with their faith. It needed to be said, whether or not I was leaving. I dramatically read them the entire chapter of 2 Nephi 32, exhorting them to pray always and seek the spirit. You should read this out loud to yourself sometime; it is powerful. They will probably go a long while before they have another priesthood lesson as tearful or impassioned! And all this was in front of the new YM Pres! Can I show my face ever again? Yeah, I guess so. The young men were quiet and much more in tune to what I was saying this week; I hope they felt the same spirit I was feeling and trying so hard to show them. I thank God for including the young men in my journey at this time in my life. He is wise beyond words, and He has been there for me in my reaching.

Core Competencies

I'm now coming up on 3 months of unemployment. I never dreamed this seeking a new job would be so slow or agonizing a process. I thought I had such an attractive resume that, like every other time I've considered a new opportunity, companies would jump at the chance to hire me. And it's humbling to realize that it will probably be sometime next year before anything happens like a job offer. Selling a car to pay the mortgage and getting food from the Bishop's storehouse is just the way it has to be for now, so I'll deal with it, grudgingly.

This time around I want the next job to be my last career move, if possible. I don't want to make a mistake in joining a company I can't truly support with my passions or fit into their culture. I know more about what type of opportunity I want, so I'm picky. It's true that I'm not getting any younger and I've got potential liabilities. I've hopped around a lot of companies, I've pushed my career to do innovative things, and I'm a creative who doesn't like to be 'managed.' Whoever hires me will do so at a cost for such skills and experience. I'm not generic; I'm specialized. So, I shouldn't be surprised or impatient that it is taking time to get it right.

Recently I was contacted by a retained recruiter for a technical executive position with a new company and brand that will be coming out into the marketplace. I was excited by the potential to make a real contribution and possibly see my dreams come true with an innovative product technology that I've been developing for years. The recruiter was impressed with my resume and seeming fit with the position requirements, so he asked that I prepare a one-page "Core Competency" brief. He sent me a couple examples from other people he had worked with, and at first, as I read through them, I thought, "I'm not good enough. I haven't done this level of work." But then I put those fears aside and decided to list what I thought my own career and personal strengths were. This was an empowering exercise. I settled on eight core competencies, and then began to fill in details which demonstrated my experience or skill with each attribute. By the time I was finished, I wasn't feeling inadequate at all, rather, I felt like I had substance, was more than worthwhile, and that a company would be greatly benefited by my joining their talent pool.

The recruiter was quite pleased with the writing and content of my Core Competency brief, and selected me as a finalist in a slate of three candidates for the position. I was flattered. But to his dismay, when he went to present to the company, they informed him they had found a person on their own and would not need his services. So this was another disappointment, but at least it got me to think about the important qualifiers of my experience and how this has shaped me into the valuable resource that I will be in my next position.

How often do we take such stock in ourselves? Starting with humility, looking at weaknesses and then at strengths, we come to understanding and satisfaction. Thank God I'm an optimist, and most days I choose to see potential and the good in myself and others. It is a conscious choice, one that is not always easy, and one that I don't always do. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and lose my light of confidence, but I can always go to my Father, find the match of desire and relight my candle of faith. Such is the time for now.

'Weak things' Become Strong

Earlier this month, our Gentlefriend voiced these sentiments:

"My SGA is a unique mortal gift to make the most of. I must frequently remind myself of the good qualities it has given me. Navigation within the complex forces of marriage and Church membership can draw out the best that is within me. I am challenged to develop compassion and spiritual sensitivity. I get tired and discouraged and many times get off course, but then, in the midst of the tempest when the sweet Spirit whispers, "Peace, be still", I am reminded that He knows the way and will guide me Home if I let Him."

Also at this Thanksgiving time, Beck paused to count his blessings, and expressed a similar recognition:

"Instead of bemoaning that I'm a gay man trapped in a hetero life where things don't add up right, I am grateful for the "gifts" I've been given, the "talents" that God has granted me, and the knowledge of Him whereby I can use these talents and magnify them as I seek to follow His plan. I do not bemoan that I am gay. . . I may not have a trail guide, but I have the Spirit, and I'm grateful for those promptings to keep me on the path. This is a tender mercy. "

I have been thinking similar thoughts lately. There is so much about my gayness that I have grown to appreciate and am now thankful for. I have come to realize that much of my orientation is reflected in a unique set of personality traits, most of which are really not sexually operative one way or the other. I acknowledge that throughout my life I am and have been:

• Attracted to men, and admire the masculine hero
  
• Desire connection and fraternity with men
• Stimulated by the power of the male form
  
• Hunger for intimacy and acceptance by men
• Spiritually dependent on Priesthood power
  
• Desire to be open and loving, to serve others
  
• Emotionally sensitive and vulnerable
  
• Empathetic to all forms of suffering and injustice
  
• Willing to be on the edge and question everything
• Artistic, creative and musically talented
  
• Lover of beauty and design
  
• Detail oriented and a perfectionist
• Generous and forgiving
  
• Domestic

So what's wrong or inferior with any of this? Nothing!! Certainly not by LDS church standards. Now I know that all these characteristics do not uniquely qualify me to be gay or otherwise, and there are lots of gay men who possess other sets of qualities. But for me, I saw these attributes in myself conform to what I considered to be stereotypically gay, weak vulnerabilities, especially when combined with my lack of arousal towards women, my non-aggressive nature and a non-muscle-bound uncoordinated body I felt frankly embarrassed with. I often longed to be someone else, a stronger man, more physical, secure and confident. I discounted many of my personal characteristics as largely feminine and secretly wished for a set of more macho traits of 'manliness' that I simply was not. I lived in regret, because I was not a perfect man. But now I've come to respect my wiring and circuitry. I've decided to no longer feel apologetic or inadequate for what I consider to be my 'gay' attributes. Like Gentlefriend and Beck, I have come to value my unique gifts.

And then a surprising thing happened to me: as I truly accepted this 'gay list' in myself, I began feeling very much more male and more connected in my brotherhood with all men. I don't have to sexualize every hunk of a man to wonder if I measure up; I may look twice at an attractive guy, but it is admiration of beauty, not longing or lust. Even though I never really believed that raw masculinity was the mark of true manhood, I allowed myself to be deluded and demoted by my insecurities. But no more! Screw all that mamsy-pamsy thinking! I'm just as good a man as anyone else, even if I don't particularly care for team sports or fast cars or sexy women. And if anyone thinks, "That's so gay," well then, let them. I can live with it. I can live with love in my heart for even the intolerant.

Being 'gay' by most standards involves a physicality that is more than characteristics of how we view and interact with the world around us. Sure, there are sexual aspects to my gayness that will never be realized because of my choice for fidelity to my wife and family and the church. I try not to dwell on the sex inherent in gay lifestyle. It's just a part of being gay that I cannot do. The world and the church react most negatively to the sexual intimacy between same sexes. But I choose to love and respect my brothers who are there though, and my hope for them is to live their lives with joy and love. I'm happy to let the Lord work out the details of their eternal lives, knowing that I am not a worthy judge, nor should I try to understand the end from the beginning. I believe true love is good enough for me and anyone else committed to faithfulness and devotion, regardless of the religious lens or culture people live in.

This brings me to the sweet and universal sentiment expressed by Elder Wirthlin in his most recent General Conference, who speaks of personal transformation by the power of love:

"True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us.

We all yearn to experience love like this. Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings—even if we don’t deserve it.

Oh, it is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves us—even with all our flaws! His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves, He never will.

We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won’t, for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of transformation. It takes us as men and women of the earth and refines us into men and women for the eternities.

The most cherished and sacred moments of our lives are those filled with the spirit of love. The greater the measure of our love, the greater is our joy. In the end, the development of such love is the true measure of success in life.

Do you love the Lord?"

And here, I think lies the quintessential question to living gay in the world and the LDS Church. Can we answer it honestly? I must confess, "Yea Lord, thou knowest that I love thee." (John 21:16). My life of perceived weakness has become much stronger, as I focus with faith on the God-given gifts bestowed upon me. I have the love of God in my heart for all men, and I am not ashamed to feel weakly male any longer. I can feed His sheep with the talents He has blessed me, according to His direction, and shall no longer be afraid of who I am or what I might accomplish with His love.

Of all the aspects of my belief that I am most sure of, because of my experience in living with conscious faith, it is that I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, the little Geckoman. And since they first loved me, I love them (1 John 4:19). And since I truly love them, then I am blessed to love others in the way I know the Lord loves me, which is as a gay man, a son of the true and living God.

"Do you need me?"

Last week I had a great time interviewing with four different companies, and not much time for anything else. The trip to Denver was fantastic; I came home so excited with the possibility of working for this company. Then I had another great phone conversation with a major company who wants to fly me to their headquarters to be considered for an innovation team they are forming. That would be neat, too!

However, all the while, my wife is beginning to worry about the reality of leaving Arizona and the new dimensions that will surround our lives. We are now 'empty-nesters,' and the rules are changing about what to take with us and what to leave behind. I think my wife is wondering where she fits into the wagon of my future. We have an open, mutually supportive marriage. But lately, my wife has been experiencing anxiety around the theme of "Do you need me?"

This has given me some cause to consider just what it is that I value the most. I could honestly say "No, not really," but that fits only a small part of my feelings. Pragmatically, I may not "need" her; nor could I deny that at times I wish I had a man partner to connect with. But this doesn't jive with the tremendous respect I have for her as a wonderful person who I love dearly, who others love dearly. She, along with me, has paid her dues in our family and relationship. I don't want to imagine life without her, the simple friendship and intimacies we share.

True love isn't based on need, it is based on choice, deep feeling and abiding commitment. My true love is spiritual and reflects the relationship I have with God. My attractions to same gender are based on hunger for intimate understanding and connection. The same goes for heterosexual attractions by my spouse, brothers and sisters, every human being. Connection is a need, but it is not necessarily love. True love goes beyond need to devotion. My true love helps me realize this.

"No Sweetie, I will not leave you behind in the desert. I love you because I simply do."

Apologies and Confessions

Sorry readers, I really haven't felt like writing much. Lately I use the computer to job search, email, take care of mundane business, and read others' blogs. But when it comes to reflecting on my life, I'm feeling a little blah. And tired. It's not like I don't have time on my hands, I've never enjoyed such an extended vacation! The days do seem to get by with lots of little projects, and I'm reading more than ever. I'm not sure I even want to go back to work...

Here's another apology. With all the upside-downness in my life for the last 6 weeks, I forgot the password to the email account (www.geckoman56@gmail.com) I link from my blog. So I wasn't able to go in and check on correspondence. Just recently I figured out my password and got back into the mailbox. Unfortunately a friend tried several messages, but of course got no response from me. When I tried to reply, his email account was closed...so Adam, please try me again. I wasn't intentionally ignoring you.

Confession: I waited over a week to get some feedback from the 2 days of face to face interviews I had with the local company, and now I'm feeling a little unsettled. Because I'm so wonderful, I was very hopeful this would be a slam-dunk, and I'd get an offer. I could just get back to work, and let all my logistical problems of moving melt away. Well, not so fast, nothing's ever perfect. Yes, they liked me, but had some 'concerns' about my idealism and openness and hunger for innovation; they're not sure if I would be happy with their 'little' job, as if I might be too big for it. I was quite excited about the opportunity, but now I'm not so sure about what they really mean. When people dig and want to know your feelings, your strengths & weaknesses, and 'describe the perfect job' I told them what I really thought and felt. Maybe they weren't ready for my level of honesty: when asked about weakness I said I sometimes lack of focus. My creative mind LIKES to wander; it gets me to places you don't go if you think and do only the same things. The perfect job means I get to make real decisions and be the top technical dog. And one of my strengths is that I'm curious. (The interviewer said, "Well, I've never had anyone give that answer before!") So maybe I should have been a bit more cautious, reserved and conventional. I'm frustrated that if they said they wanted an R&D innovation manager... well then, what does that mean to you? It means to me what I am, inside and out. I'm still on their list, but they want to interview other candidates to see what might be out there; so in other words, hang in there--we'll be back to you in a month or two. Arrrggghh!

But this week is going to be fun. Three interviews, one of which is a flight to Denver. I love Colorado! Stay tuned, more to come....

Still in the hands of the Gardener

Well, it's been a week now since the face to face interviews, and still no word about anything. I don't really get it, but I don't pretend to know what's going on behind the scenes. Surely today I'll hear something. Didn't they like me? I thought it was a pretty good fit. Maybe they're interviewing other candidates. Anyway, this little Gecko is trying to stay in the hands of the Gardener and not second guess him.

Timing is always everything. Just this week three more interviews popped up for next week, so maybe I'll have some options to choose between, which would be nice. I'll have my first phone interview with a company in SLC on Tuesday. A company I applied to through Monster.com called; I had a short phone chat with the HR guy, and was invited to get on a plane to Denver. So that will be great to get out of town and see what's there, next Wednesday. Then another face to face interview on Thursday, back in Phoenix for a pharmaceutical company, which is a bit of a stretch, but they're the ones making the invitation, so why not?! I love having choices.

All this dragged out job uncertainty serves to reminds me in a literal way of the fact that in life we don't really know what's ahead--we get comfortable in routines, but we still don't know the end from the beginning. We believe we have a purpose so we just press on. I trust in a plan, regardless of knowing the outcome, hoping for good options, and doing my best day by day. To do otherwise would be to basically do nothing or panic--submit to chaos and despair, which I don't want to subscribe to. Sure, 'shit happens,' but choosing to believe we're headed in a direction to lead us somewhere better, or choosing to believe we're going through this trial today to make us stronger for tomorrow, that's the stuff of faith. I want to be in Zion's camp, even if the trail is tedious; too many evidences along the way already point me in that direction. I won't jump out of the Gardner's hand back into a dark pile of rubble to hide in. The best reward along the way is being home to do the things I didn't have time for, loving my wife and playing with the most wonderful grandson baby in the entire world. I can wait, use up a little more money, have faith in a better outcome, just around the next bend.

"Are we there yet?"

Finally. Real interviews with people to talk to where you can actually shake their hand, watch the laugh lines in their face respond to comments and feel a better sense of connection with real human beings. Don't get me wrong, phone interviews are a necessary business reality and better than no interviews at all. But it's just that more than a month has gone by without face to face interaction along the job trail.

Two days ago I was excited to prepare for and meet real people, with real interest in me and what I might do for them. The talking went well, but the stress was physically and emotionally draining. And the commute home battling rush hour traffic was grueling, and took almost an hour and a half. It was Halloween, the little goblins were coming out, I wanted to be with my little grandson (premiering as a red M&M), and I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. So when I arrived home to meet my family's hopeful and expectant questioning, I felt . . . empty. Maybe discouraged and uncertain and afraid would be more telling. Was it 'Trick or Treat?' I didn't expect to feel this way, not after so much anticipation that this was the answer to our prayers for staying in Arizona. After all, we had been to the Temple in the morning, we reviewed expected questions and answers, we wanted this to be the one. And now I just didn't know if I liked the opportunity. I knew I did NOT like the traffic nightmare.

Yesterday was phase two of more interviews. This time around even better discussion and some answers to spoken and unspoken concerns. Another drive home through rush hour via different route home took only one hour. I listened to Schubert's 'Unfinished' Symphony on the public radio station. I asked myself "Are we there yet?" I think so.

Now I am hopeful and excited with the opportunity to work for this company. Early this morning before waking I dreamed about working on a project as if I were already employed. I already have creative plans if they have a job offer for me that is acceptable. I think it would be a great team of people to work shoulder to shoulder with. And they have great expectations for growth and innovation within the company's brand. It would be a chance to launch neat stuff into the marketplace, the kind of stuff to dream about at night.

But the saga continues. The job opportunity in Salt Lake appears to be opening up. I have a phone interview next week. It would be wonderful to be close to family. Maybe I could even sing in the MTC! There are also opportunities in Nebraska and Massachusetts. Anything could happen. "Are we there yet?" Lord only knows.

Murmurings along the trail

I just haven't felt much like writing lately. I've been sick for a couple weeks with a horrible chest cold, coughing at night and croaking by day. But if that were all of my excuses, I would be so lucky. I've been sullen, too. I've been applying for government assistance, and I've seen the face of the poor. ("How much longer until I'm one of them?") And the side of my new car got backed into in the parking lot at the Department of Economic Security. (Unbelievably, the woman with all the tattoos and piercings actually had insurance... shouldn't that be a sign someone is looking out for me?)

I should be using my blog as a way to vent my anxieties, and yet I've been holding it in and seeking other diversions. The job trail has been winding up and down, mostly down, and I'm tired of it. My knees hurt, and not from kneeling too much in prayer, but in stumbling down the path. I want to whine, "Are we there yet?" to my Heavenly Father. It's been over a month of unemployment, lots of phone interviews and still I have yet to get a face to face. I knew I was a prime candidate for a couple positions with major companies, and yet they both fizzled without so much as an invitation to get on a plane. One company restructured their department, eliminating the open hire position; the other company enacted a hiring freeze until next year.

"But wait, don't you see how valuable I could be? Come on, guys."

I wanted options to choose from. I wanted them to compete for me with ever increasing offers. I wanted a little respect for my long distinguished career. I wanted them to want me, badly. I wanted my dreams to come true about promptings I felt came from the Lord. Surely, 'This is the Place,' wasn't it? Aren't we there, yet?

"O Pride, O Vanity, canst thou not mask thy leering face?"

Yesterday (Sunday) I started the day on spiritual 'EMPTY.' I should have had at least a quarter of a tank; after all, I've not really gone that far from my front door for several weeks. I guess I've used up a lot of spirituality on 'IDLE.' So anyway, yesterday was our ward's Primary Program, "I'll Follow Him in Faith." I was asked to help out with a couple of the musical numbers that needed a second conductor for the kids to follow. So we got through about forty minutes of the usual darling one-liners, earnest effort, songs of faith, and then it was my turn to join them in 'Love Is Spoken Here.'

Mine is a home where every hour
Is blessed by the strength of priesthood power.
With father and mother leading the way,
Teaching me how to TRUST and OBEY,
And the things they teach are crystal clear,
For LOVE is spoken here.

And there it was, my answer. I knew it all along. My own voice was simple and clear, floating above the young crowd of sweet boy voices so full of faith and believing. Trust in the Conductor, He's telling you the truth. You know it. His voice is rich, confident and inspired. Several people came to me after the program to compliment how lovely the song was ("I just love to hear you sing!") and I wanted to tell them I have a cold, it wasn't really my voice, but I just meekly said, "Thank you. The children were lovely, weren't they?"

And if that wasn't enough, then the second number a little later, a round, 'Listen, Listen.'

Listen to the still small voice!
Listen, Listen.
When you have to make a choice,
He will guide you,
ALWAYS.

The cacophony of children's voices singing at odds with one another in a controlled chorus of echos, eventually resolved and caught up with "ALWAYS." Another answer.

Doing yard work on Saturday I flushed a gecko out of hiding and picked him up as he was scurrying up the wall to find new cover. They're only about 2 - 3 inches long, fully mature. They are soft and tender and gentle; they don't bite. They like the humus of the earth and crevices to hide in. They sport mottled colors that blend in, and you only see them when they move. The gecko did not like being held. He looked furtively around for escape, licked his lips with a tiny tongue and in an instant flung himself out my hands back into the rubble of twigs and leaves I was raking up. I let him be.

"Just have faith, little Gecko. You are in my hands. Don't jump away so fast. "

So this is the week for hope. Doors have closed, but others have opened. There is a food company in Phoenix, and their R&D Manager just moved away with a spousal relocation. The phone interview went well last week, and I'm supposed to interview face to face this week. I'm hopeful that I won't have to move and leave my children and grandson. I hope this is the job for me. The Lord will guide me, always, if I can but stay in his hand.